The caption for the image on the left is "self-esteem and perception." And as you can see embedded in the image itself is "What matters most is how you see yourself."
Hmm. Really? Is this the truth, the secret, to developing self-esteem?
I like the idea of picturing what you want to become or what you aspire to be. In fact imagery and visualization for this purpose in sport is highly effective. However, you have to be visualizing something that is within the realm of possibility.
Can a cat really become a lion? No. If I wanted to could I become the next 26.2 mile (i.e., marathon) world champion? I don't think so.
Am I selling myself short? Am I being defeatist and not allowing myself to contemplate my true potential? I don't think so. I am a distance runner. I have completed a marathon, but I wasn't even close to winning that local marathon let alone posting a time that would make world class marathoners take notice. Probably what would be realistic would be to imagine myself posting a time that would allow me to qualify for the Boston Marathon (not just anyone can pay their money and enter that race - you have to be fast enough).
So, no. Perception is not the secret to developing self-esteem.
If It's Not About Perception, Then What?
There is a lot, and I mean A LOT, of information out there on self-esteem. I entered "self esteem" into the Google search bar and was told that my search generated "About 42,500,00 results in 0.46 seconds." That's forty-two and a half million results in less than half a second. First of all, wow. That's a lot of results. Second of all, wow. That's really fast!
There is no shortage of advice and lists. You can throw a feather and hit some advice on self-esteem. But they're all missing something really important. No, I didn't check all forty-two and a half million results, but here are a few examples of what is typical.
PsychCentral.com has an article that lists things to do to raise your self-esteem: Get sober; practice self-care; identify triggers to low self-esteem; slow down personalizing; stop and take notice; acknoweldge reaction; choose response; accept impulse; and develop skills.
Another article via PsychologyToday.com encourages us to develop self-compassion rather than self-esteem.
And this article from Psychology.About.com reminds us that phrases that mean the same thing as self-esteem or mean something similar are: self-worth, self-respect, and self-value.
No bad. Pretty complete. But missing one key element.
What Are All Of These Articles Missing?
I do not fundamentally disagree with the things that are listed or discussed in these articles. But they all assume one very important thing that may or may not be true for you. And that is what they are missing.
What do they all assume but do not discuss?
That you already have a sense of who you are. That you already have a well-defined self.
What if you don't? What if you're not sure who you are?
The truth about developing self-esteem that others won't tell you is that you have to have a sense of self first. Then, and only then, can you develop self-esteem.
To put it another way: You cannot develop self-esteem without having a self about which to be esteemed!
Additionally, there is the issue of whether or not your self is your true self. Is the self-esteem you believe you have based on who you truly are. Or have you crafted a savvy and/or well-like self that is actually a false-self. It looks good. People like it. But is it really you?
Just like you can't develop self-esteem without a sense of self, you also cannot develop true self-esteem based on a false self.
If you have a well-developed sense of who you are (i.e., you are being the most authentic version of yourself you know how to be) then by all means, read some of these articles to which I've linked above and other articles that are out there. There are, after all, forty-two and a half million to choose from!
But before you do, ask yourself: Do I really know who I am? Do I know who my true, authentic self is?
If the answer is "no" or "I'm not sure" I highly recommend working on that before putting time and energy into liking a version of yourself that is incomplete or false.
For a few places to start you can read about self-awareness and choice, the language of your true self, and self-talk on this blog.
Once you figure out who you truly are and live as authentically as possible, you may find that self-esteem is not an issue because you've already got it!
What Do You Think?
Do you think self-esteem can be developed before knowing who you really are? What other things might be important on your quest to develop self-esteem? Let me know in the comments below. I'd love to hear from you!
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