What is the "Baker Effect" and how do you fix it?

This is likely the first of several posts about things that used to make me feel inadequate only to find out that I'm not weirdo. But there is a reason that I (and many others...thank god I'm not alone!) do what I do and it is not my fault!

By the way...the "I do" up there in the image is hopefully not a time that the Baker Effect strikes. That would be embarrassing!

In all seriousness, there were in fact several things that I experienced growing up and throughout my life that were different than what others experienced. Or I was clearly less skilled at something than others and I consistently wondered what was wrong with me. Well, if you've read any of my other posts or have extrapolated from the title of my blog you've probably guessed that feeling this way does not lead one to feeling good about one's self, and thus less likely to live authentically.

So. One of things at which I am quite terrible is remembering people's names. It seemed as if no matter what I did I could not reliably remember the names of people I just met, whereas others who after having met me for five seconds (I may or may not be exaggerating) several months later could remembered my name, the name of my cat, and what I was wearing. After a enough of these experiences I finally came to a conclusion about my inability to remember other people's names: I just didn't care. That didn't feel very good.

Turns out I was partly right about "not caring." Enter the Baker Effect.

So what is the Baker Effect?

We can remember faces pretty well but names tend to be more difficult. Our brains are just wired that way. Also, when we're around people we are not terribly likely to ever see again we simply may not care enough to try to remember.

The Baker Effect says that if you tell someone that your job is a baker then we have all kinds of mental associations to being a baker that helps us remember the idea of being a baker. We think things like "Oh! they must have access to all the frosting they can eat!" or "I bet they break out a huge stick of butter and slather it on the rolls as soon as they come out of the oven...I want to be a baker."

Basically, we create little stories that goes with this type of information about the person. If, however, someone says their name is Baker there are usually no associations that pop up that go with someone's name since names are random. Our brains require one piece of information to be linked to other pieces of information in order to have a better shot at remembering it.

Here's the link to a Huffington Post article and video that describes name forgetting further.

The good news is there are pretty easy, straight forward strategies we can use to remember people's names.

How do I thwart the Baker Effect?

Turns out it really does take effort for most of us to remember names of people we just met. We really do have to care enough to work at it. Those of you who are good at remembering names may recognize many of these tricks and have already been taught how to use them or naturally developed them out of your own desire to avoid that awkward moment when you're supposed to introduce someone whose name you can't remember to someone else. [That happened to me at my own wedding reception. Awkward!].

Here are seven strategies further described in a video by AsapTHOUGHT here.

1. Pay attention (ask them to repeat it)
2. Use their name and repeat it often (Hey Joe. Pass the salt Joe. What time is it Joe. You get the idea...Joe) 
3. Make associations (e.g., who do they remind you of, who else do you know with the same name)
4. Word play (mnemonic devices) (e.g., alliteration, rhymes)
5. Spell out their name (ask them do spell it or you can imagine it being spelled out on a type writer or piece of paper)
6. Help them remember your name (give them an association between your name and something else)
7. Introduce someone else you do know (and hope the other person offers their name on their own!)

If you struggle to remember names like I do. Try not to beat yourself up and worry that there is something wrong with you - maybe that's just me. Either way developing an understand about why you do what you do can be exceedingly helpful. And learning that there is a reasonable explanation for it can help free you up to focus energy on things that help you grow and live authentically.

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Yesterday and Tomorrow

 

Ignore the Past and Forget About the Future!

Yes, we can learn from our mistakes and we can make plans with the future in mind; however, how often do we actually live in the moment? How often is each moment filled with past and future concerns?

Consider "tabling" fears, regrets, and worry for another time. Concentrate on what's going on right now, right in front of you. If you do that, you can certainly learn quite a bit about yourself including whether or not you are doing what you want to be doing. 

I often encourage my students to seriously contemplate the existential idea of living in the moment with death on your shoulder. If you knew you would die tomorrow, next week, next month, next year...would you still be doing what you're doing now? If not why not? Are those things worth eliminating from you life? Or at the very least, changing?

The exercise is not meant to be a morbid one, but to encourage each student to understand that their time is finite and that they do not know when the end will come. Living each day with this understanding and awareness will nearly guarantee you will only including things in your life that are necessary (i.e., having a job) and that you want. And even the necessary things can be reconsidered in terms of what you want from life. 

Do you really hate your job? If so, why not actively look for something new? Is going to college really a good fit for you? If not, what would be a better fit? 

If I knew I had months or even just a handful of years left I would probably keep working. I like what I do and it fuels me psychologically. I also have a decent chunk of time off (I'm a university professor) so I would be able to use (and I do!) that time for whatever I want. There are other things, however, that I would immediately get rid of. At this point, I want to fulfill my commitments, but the things I know I want to get rid of will be gotten rid of as soon as I can...and they will not be replaced. And when "opportunities" like this are offered to me in the future my plan is to answer the questions "Is this how I want to spend my time? What will I have to give up to do this? Is it worth it?" 

This is, in my opinion, a highly useful but not necessarily easy exercise. It can help you stay connected to each moment as they are happening and forget about the past and the future.

Here's to the here-and-now!

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I'm Back - I Think.

It has been a long  time since I've published a post. For those of you who have enjoyed my posts (thanks for that!) and have been wondering when the next would be published, this one's for you!

I don't have anything terribly profound to say this go around as I've got to reconnect with the blog mentally. I'm happy to say that I have been attending to things that are important to me and that I have enjoyed. However, there have also been a few things that have required a lot more of my attention that I don't particularly enjoy or want in my life any longer. These things have an expiration date and I plan not to renew! 

I am still learning when to say no to things and I am still learning what truly makes me happy - what I mean by that is there are things I take on that I think will contribute to my overall happiness only to find that I was wrong. That's okay. That's part of the process. But it can be frustrating, especially when these things involve a lengthy commitment. 

This blog is as much a reminder to readers to remain true to one's self as it is to me. I'm a lot further along on this journey than I ever have been, but I've still got some travelling to do. I'm not sure there really is a final destination. As long as we remain open to the voice inside us that has some ideas about what we want and don't want in our lives we'll keep travelling and we'll keep learning.

As for me, right now, my plan is to be sure I've got time carved out for this blog. I really do enjoy writing for it and sharing my ideas. Thanks for sticking around and as always please comment below or send me an e-mail (doctorchristineselby at gmail dot com).

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The Truth About Developing Self-Esteem That Others Won't Tell You

Does The Truth About Self-Esteem Have To Do With Perception?

The caption for the image on the left is "self-esteem and perception."  And as you can see embedded in the image itself is "What matters most is how you see yourself."  

Hmm.  Really?  Is this the truth, the secret, to developing self-esteem?

I like the idea of picturing what you want to become or what you aspire to be.  In fact imagery and visualization for this purpose in sport is highly effective.  However, you have to be visualizing something that is within the realm of possibility.

Can a cat really become a lion?  No.  If I wanted to could I become the next 26.2 mile (i.e., marathon) world champion?  I don't think so.

Am I selling myself short?  Am I being defeatist and not allowing myself to contemplate my true potential?  I don't think so.  I am a distance runner.  I have completed a marathon, but I wasn't even close to winning that local marathon let alone posting a time that would make world class marathoners take notice.  Probably what would be realistic would be to imagine myself posting a time that would allow me to qualify for the Boston Marathon (not just anyone can pay their money and enter that race - you have to be fast enough).

So, no.  Perception is not the secret to developing self-esteem. 

If It's Not About Perception, Then What?

There is a lot, and I mean A LOT, of information out there on self-esteem.  I entered "self esteem" into the Google search bar and was told that my search generated "About 42,500,00 results in 0.46 seconds."  That's forty-two and a half million results in less than half a second.  First of all, wow.  That's a lot of results.  Second of all, wow.  That's really fast!

There is no shortage of advice and lists.  You can throw a feather and hit some advice on self-esteem.  But they're all missing something really important.  No, I didn't check all forty-two and a half million results, but here are a few examples of what is typical.  

PsychCentral.com has an article that lists things to do to raise your self-esteem: Get sober; practice self-care; identify triggers to low self-esteem; slow down personalizing; stop and take notice; acknoweldge reaction; choose response; accept impulse; and develop skills.

Another article via PsychologyToday.com encourages us to develop self-compassion rather than self-esteem.

And this article from Psychology.About.com reminds us that phrases that mean the same thing as self-esteem or mean something similar are: self-worth, self-respect, and self-value.

No bad.  Pretty complete.  But missing one key element.

What Are All Of These Articles Missing?

I do not fundamentally disagree with the things that are listed or discussed in these articles. But they all assume one very important thing that may or may not be true for you.  And that is what they are missing.  

What do they all assume but do not discuss?

That you already have a sense of who you are.  That you already have a well-defined self.

What if you don't?  What if you're not sure who you are?  

The truth about developing self-esteem that others won't tell you is that you have to have a sense of self first.  Then, and only then, can you develop self-esteem.

To put it another way: You cannot develop self-esteem without having a self about which to be esteemed! 

Additionally, there is the issue of whether or not your self is your true self.  Is the self-esteem you believe you have based on who you truly are.  Or have you crafted a savvy and/or well-like self that is actually a false-self.  It looks good.  People like it.  But is it really you?  

Just like you can't develop self-esteem without a sense of self, you also cannot develop true self-esteem based on a false self.  

If you have a well-developed sense of who you are (i.e., you are being the most authentic version of yourself you know how to be) then by all means, read some of these articles to which I've linked above and other articles that are out there.  There are, after all, forty-two and a half million to choose from!   

But before you do, ask yourself: Do I really know who I am?  Do I know who my true, authentic self is?

If the answer is "no" or "I'm not sure" I highly recommend working on that before putting time and energy into liking a version of yourself that is incomplete or false.

For a few places to start you can read about self-awareness and choice, the language of your true self, and self-talk on this blog.

Once you figure out who you truly are and live as authentically as possible, you may find that self-esteem is not an issue because you've already got it!

What Do You Think?

Do you think self-esteem can be developed before knowing who you really are?  What other things might be important on your quest to develop self-esteem?  Let me know in the comments below.  I'd love to hear from you!

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Being Self Strong = Being Mentally Tough

Being Self Strong means you are mentally strong. 

There are a lot of articles out there on mental toughness - what it is, what it isn't, how to get it.  Much that has been written about mental toughness is from the perspective of developing and using this skill in high performance situations.  Usually that means on the athletic field, in Fortune 500 board rooms, in theaters on Broadway, in surgical theaters and in wartime theaters.  The reality is we all need mental toughness.  We may not be trying to win a long-shot wild card game in the NFL, or perform an opera flawlessly, but we all must perform in our lives.  There are just fewer spectators of our performances.  

What is Mental Toughness?

Being mentally tough means you are able to perform at your fullest potential no matter the circumstances.  For athletes that may mean pushing through physical pain, making a good play just after making a serious mistake, staying focused despite fan and opposing player taunts, etc.  Being able to turn things around even when things look like "it's over."  

For parents it may mean performing (i.e., making good parenting decisions) when your kids are screaming at you, maybe even hitting you, certainly making your life hell.  Having your buttons pushed (kids find your weak spots very easily it seems) but making the hard decisions anyway - i.e., not letting your kids manipulate you and following through on consequences.

You're able to perform despite distractions.  When you become distracted you are able to recognize that quickly and refocus.  Some might even suggest that those who are mentally tough are "in the zone" more often than not.   

Parents or athletes.  Ballerinas or school teachers.  Maintaining one's mental toughness is not easy.  But how do you develop it to begin with?  I believe it starts with knowing who you truly are.

What Does Being Self Strong Have To Do With It?

First of all, for those who may be new to this blog let me briefly let you know what I mean by being "Self Strong."  This refers to knowing who you are.  Who you truly are, and expressing who you are unapologetically.  Knowing who you truly are, who you authentically are, is not necessarily an easy thing to figure out.  I've blogged a little bit about how to figure it out here.  

Being Self Strong means that you know what you value, and what you want and what you don't want from life.  

When you are Self Strong you are able to make decisions and enact choices that reflect who you truly are.  This means you will be confident in your choices.  You will be much less likely to second guess yourself when your decisions have unintended or negative consequences. 

Mentally strong people do not dwell on mistakes or missed opportunities because they know the decisions they made that led to that point were made from a place of strength and authenticity.  That doesn't mean such folks are immune to regret, frustration or even anger.  Self Strong people can make mistakes.  They may come to realize that their values and desires may have changed which may mean that some decisions are no longer a good fit.  What they will do next is stop to figure out what went wrong and adjust.  They may use self-talk like this: "Now that I know that, I'll do it differently next time."

I firmly believe that we all do the very best we can in each moment of our lives.  And in turn, each moment of our lives can teach us something about ourselves and the world around us.  The more we remain open to full awareness, the more Self Strong we can become.

Be Mentally Tough.  Develop Your Self Strength.

If mental toughness is something you have wanted to develop, I recommend determining how well you truly know yourself and how well you are able to be you.  Knowing who you truly are and living your life based on that knowledge will never be an act.  You will never have to remember what you're "supposed to do" or how you're "supposed to act."  

You'll just know because it will just be you.  And you will be mentally strong.

In my opinion, being as self-aware as possible can be liberating.  It means that the expectations of others can be viewed with interest and perhaps even acted upon, but knowing who you truly are and being Self Strong means you do not have to be beholden to who others think you ought to be.  

After all, aren't you the one who knows you best - or are, at least, in the best position to figure it out?

What do you think?

Share your thoughts, ideas, disagreements in the comments below.  Have I captured what it means to be mentally tough?  Do you think developing self-awareness is important?  Is being mentally tough important?  I'd love to hear from you!

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How To Make New Year's Resolutions You Can Achieve: Guaranteed!

Yes.  Seriously.  Guaranteed.  Well, almost guaranteed.  I certainly don't have any say about what your New Year's Resolutions are, how you go about achieving them, and how serious you really are about achieving them; but, what I can offer is a way to approach your Resolutions so your chance of success is much greater than it would be otherwise - practically guaranteed!  And, as an added bonus, they are more likely to reflect who you truly are and will therefore be Self Strong New Year's Resolutions!

Some people declare New Year's Resolutions because "everyone else does" and they kinda think they have to have one but don't really care either way.  Some people declare their New Year's Resolutions because they really want to have one and they really want to achieve it.  Still others are ambivalent about whether or not to declare one and if they do, whether or not they want to achieve it.

Do you know which one you are?  If you want to set and achieve a New Year's Resolution, even a little bit, then this post is for you.  If you don't want to declare a New Year's Resolution because they've never "worked" in the past - this post is for you too.

New Year's Resolutions often reflect our hope for the future.  We hope to be better in some way, or to make the world a better place.  Basically, the idea behind New Year's Resolutions is that we can leave behind what we didn't like about the previous year(s) and embark on a path that will lead to greater happiness and overall satisfaction.  Philosophically, New Year's Resolutions are a really nice idea.  The problem is most of us make really bad New Year's Resolutions.  I don't mean to suggest that what you are striving for is "bad" but the way in which you declare your Resolution almost guarantees you won't reach it.

Despite the pomp and circumstance, and lore surrounding New Year's Resolutions they are nothing more than goals.  Yup.  Your New Year's Resolutions are goals and most of us embark on our New Year's Goals on January 1st with hope but not much else.  What follows is a description of how to set effective goals.  I'll keep it in the language of New Year's Resolutions, but make no mistake, we're talking about goal setting and there is much the field of psychology (and in particular sport psychology) knows about setting effective goals.  So, if you'd rather keep your New Year's Resolutions in the realm of the ethereal, it's probably not a good idea to read any further.  I'm going to pull back the curtain, take away the mystery and awe, and provide step by step instructions on setting effective New Year's Resolutions Goals.

So, how do you set achievable New Year's Resolutions?  They need to be SMART.  Nope.  I'm not yelling at you.  "SMART" is an acronym to remember several important elements in setting effective goals.  So to begin...what is your New Year's Resolution?  It is useful to have your Resolution in mind as we go through this.  If you're not yet sure, come back to this post when you have decided on your Resolution and go through these steps to make sure your Resolution is a SMART one.

Making SMART New Year's Resolutions

1. Specific.  Your New Year's Resolution needs to be specific.
It is common for people to declare Resolutions that are murky, muddled and non-specific.  While Resolutions like "Lose Weight" or "Study Harder" or "Be a Better Person" sound specific, they are not.  This criteria will help recraft your Resolution so you can achieve it this year.  The "Specific" step encompasses much of what will follow with the other four criteria, but considering these things up front will help as you hone your Resolution throughout the remaining steps.

When crafting Specific Resolutions, it is useful to consider the questions that often show up on party invitations (and a few that don't):

     Who?  Does your Resolution only involve you?  Does it require anyone else?  Or do you
     need help/support from anyone else to help you achieve your Resolution?  Do you need a
     Resolution buddy - someone with a similar Resolution and/or who can be a cheerleader for 
     you?
     What?  What, specifically, do you want to accomplish with your Resolution?  Do you just
     want to put in more hours studying or do you hope to earn a specific GPA? 
     Where?  Okay, yes, on earth.  But where, specifically?  Does working toward your
     Resolution only occur at home, at work, at the mall, all of the above?  Knowing this can help 
     you plan and adjust when necessary.
     When?  I don't think most people think in terms of "over what period of time" their Resolution
     will take place but it is useful to do so.  Is this an ongoing Resolution - i.e., does "becoming
     a better person" go on forever?  Or, is your Resolution achievable in a specified period of
     time - i.e., 2 weeks?  3 months?  A few days?  Establishing the time-line is critical to setting
     effective Resolutions.
     Why?  Why this particular Resolution?  Why is it important to you?  The "Why" question gets
     at your motivation for the Resolution.  As you think about your answer(s) to this question, you 
     may find that your reason(s) for setting your particular Resolution are not sustainable, 
     especially if your reason(s) have to do with someone else - i.e., to get someone else's 
     attention, to make someone do or be something different.  Be sure your Resolution is
     something truly meaningful to you and something you really want to achieve.

2. Measurable.  Your New Year's Resolution needs to be Measurable.
When something is measurable it means that you can quantify it in some way.  Being able to measure your Resolution allows you to know when a change has been made - and ultimately, when your Resolution has been achieved.  This part of SMART Resolution building means that you need concrete criteria for how you're going to measure your progress.  

Saying that you want "more" or "less" of something, or to be "better" at something is not measurable (nor is it specific for that matter).  More or less than what?  Better than what?  How will you know when to stop?  Or when you're better enough?  For example, a common New Year's Resolution is to "Lose Weight" (I'm not a fan of this one for a multitude of reasons, but it is a common one nonetheless.).  How much?  You'll know when you lose weight, but will you know when to stop?  How will you measure this?  By a number on a scale?  By how your clothes fit?  Which clothes?  When are you trying them on or when are you weighing yourself (our weight fluctuates throughout the day)?  Regardless of what your Resolution is, you need to figure out how you're going to measure it so you have a clear picture of your progress.

Having a concrete way to measure your Resolution helps to guarantee that you'll not only know whether or not you're headed in the right direction, but when you've achieved what you Resolved to achieve.

3. Attainable.  Your Resolution must be something you can Attain.
There is some overlap between this one and the next; however, this one captures the notion of "how."  How are you going to achieve your Resolution?  What steps do you have to take to achieve it.  So you want to "Study Harder."  That's nice.  How are you going to go about doing that?  Do you need to attend class more frequently?  Read the book and complete the assignments?  Find a more quiet place to study?  Are these and other things you are willing to do?  If not, your Resolution is not achievable or attainable.

4. Realistic.  Is your Resolution Realistic for you?  
Have you set a Resolution that is realistic for you?  Are you able to do what needs to be done in order to achieve your Resolution?  This criteria focuses on your capacity to reach the Resolution you've declared.  Do you have the skills and abilities to achieve your Resolution?  Have you set a time frame (see #5 below) that is realistic for you to achieve your Resolution?  This criteria may require some brutal honesty from you or someone else you trust.  If you have never earned an A in a class in your life, is it realistic to Resolve to get a 4.0 for the semester?  Maybe it genuinely is a realistic Resolution - only you know know that.  Maybe you know you've never taken your studies seriously and have never put in the time and effort to reach your fullest potential in this way.  On the other hand, if you have consistently worked really hard in your studies and have never earned an A, it is likely that a 4.0 is not realistic...but another GPA might be.

Take stock of who you are and what skills and abilities you have.  Check these out with someone else who cares about you and whom you trust.  See if they agree that you are capable of achieving your Resolution.  If they hesitate - enlist their help for how you might make it more realistic.  The cool thing is, if you change your Resolution to something seemingly more realistic and you find along the way that the original Resolution is in fact achievable...you can change back to that one (see Final Thoughts below)!

5. Timely.  Your New Year's Resolution should be Timely or have a Time frame.
Your Resolution needs a time frame.  How much time do you need - overall and for each step (see #3 above) along the way?  Not giving yourself a specific time or date of completion allows for procrastination.  You can just keep putting it off until it is "too late" (not sure when things really are too late but it can feel that way).  This criteria can also help you determine how Realistic your Resolution is.  Sometimes we bite off more than we can chew when it comes to setting due dates for ourselves.  We mean well, but haven't really thought through if we can realistically accomplish what we think we can given everything else going on in our lives.  If you know something requires 40 hours to complete and you think "That's like a work week.  I have a week off from work right now.  I can make that happen."  Really?  Is that what you want to do during that week.  Were you hoping for more down time?  Will your kids/spouse/friends/family support this?  Perhaps it is realistic; but, again it is important to be honest with yourself about your time frame and due dates.

Final Thoughts About Making Achievable New Year's Resolutions

SMART Resolutions are not nearly as exciting as setting Resolutions the good old fashioned way.  Setting Resolutions like you're used to is a lot playing craps.  You declare your Resolution then roll the dice and see what happens.  Maybe you'll achieve it.  Maybe you won't.  That can be kind of exciting.  You don't know what will happen.  But if you want to have a better chance of predicting success, work your Resolutions in a SMART way.  

Two final thoughts that are not directly a part of SMART goal setting but are also important: 1) The Wording of Your Resolution and 2) Flexibility.

     The Wording of your Resolution
     Goals and Resolutions tend to be more effective (i.e., achievable) when they are worded in
     the affirmative.  That is, worded in terms of what you want do rather than what you don't
     want to do.  Saying what you don't want to do sets a more negative tone and depending on 
     the Resolution can immediately set up a sense of deprivation - "I am not allowed to do this 
     any more" - which usually does not feel good.  So instead of "I am no longer going to eat
     any chips or sweets" (that one is a recipe for disaster anyway) a more effective Resolution 
     would be "I want to eat more fruits, vegetables and lean meats."  Note that the word "more" 
     needs to be defined so it is Specific and Measurable.

     Flexibility
     If you, in good, faith work with your New Year's Resolution to make it a SMART one and you 
     find that it is not working out, you can change it!  We so often think, although I don't know 
     why, that Goals and Resolutions are set in stone.  What if you learned something about
     yourself or your situation that you didn't know up front (or couldn't face)?  Why should you
     torture yourself by spinning your wheels trying to achieve a Resolution you now know you
     can't realistically achieve, or don't have what you need right now in order to achieve it?  Or
     what if your Resolution wasn't challenging enough?  You thought it was, but found that you 
     want to push yourself further.  There is no reason you cannot change your Resolution 
     to reflect the current reality of your life.

So there you have it.  A 5 step process and a couple of additional pointers to help you set Self Strong New Year's Resolutions you can achieve (almost) guaranteed!  Here's to your SMART Resolutions.  And Happy New Year!

Do You Hate People?

So.  Do you hate people?  This question is one that is often asked of introverts.  And the assumption by others, often extraverts, is that they do hate people.  Nothing could be further from the truth.

So, what we're talking about here is a set of concepts (introversion and extraversion) developed by Swiss psychiatrist, Carl Jung.  Jung suggested that many of us are aligned with one or the other, but that ideally we'd be able to live comfortably as either/or.  That is, that at times we'd need and want to express our extraversion and at times our introversion.

So what do these two things mean?  They refer to the ways in which we are oriented to the world around us or to our inner worlds.  And, they refer to the ways in which we are energized or become recharged.  Extraverts are oriented to the world around them.  They thrive when they are able to interact with people and situations around them.  Introverts on the other hand are oriented to their inner world and thrive when they are able to direct their energy to their thoughts and ideas.  Practically what this means is that introverts need time alone.  They do not do well when they are around people consistently.  They are drained mentally and physically.  The fix?  Time alone to read, think, meditate, whatever.  But the key is that they take time to be alone with their thoughts.  There are other features that characterize introverts and extraverts which you can find here.  

Introverts are often misunderstood creatures.  Since somewhere in the neighborhood of 75% of the population are extraverts and much of our daily lives revolves around interacting with others, there is often confusion on both ends of the spectrum on why being alone is preferred or even necessary.  So when introverts close their doors, leave the room, or directly ask for time alone the reaction often is something along the lines of:

     "What's wrong?  Is everything okay?"  or

     "Are you mad at me?"  or

     "Why don't you like people?  Do you hate them?"

Since extraverts can't fathom the appeal of time alone (because time alone with their thoughts and feelings is as equally draining as time around people is to an introvert), they often think something is wrong.  And because introverts might not understand what's going on, they often think something is wrong too.  Thus, introverts can be left feeling confused, like there must be something wrong, and wonder if they really do hate people.  So in the spirit of clearing things up, let me provide the answers to all of those questions above:

     "Nothing is wrong.  I'm fine.  I just need some time alone."  and

     "No I'm not mad at you.  I just need some time alone."  and

     "I do like people.  I just need some time alone."

How do I know so much about this?  Well, I've studied it, I teach it...and...I'm an introvert.  It took me some time to fully understand that what I was experiencing was introversion, and that it is okay.  I'm okay.  Prior to that, I pretty consistently thought there was something wrong with me because I really didn't want to be around people as much as my friends seemed to.  Somewhere in my late twenties/early thirties I more fully understood what being an introvert meant and that it is just different than being an extravert.  Not worse or better than being an extravert.  Just different.

I work with people in my private practice who think about this like I used to.  They think there is something wrong with them and are relieved when they are told that what they need (i.e., time by themselves) is normal.  The hard part can be convincing others in their life that it is normal and that time alone is not a rejection of the other person, nor is it an indication that something is wrong.  Being alone in this way is not about kicking people out of our lives.  It is simply about recharging our batteries so we have the energy to be the quirky person you know and love.

Although my husband says he believes he's become more of an introvert over the years (yes it is possible to "switch sides" and in fact Jung suggested being able to engage fully with one's external and internal worlds is ideal) it took us some time to work out how I expressed my introvert needs, and how he understood them.  We had our fair share of arguments that went something like:

     Me: <heading to a room where I could be alone>

     My husband: "Is something wrong?  Are you okay?"

     Me: "I'm fine."

     My husband: "Are you sure?"

     Me: <starting to feel angry at being asked again> "Yes, I'm sure."

Now, when this conversation happens, I can say something like: "Something's about to be wrong if you keep asking me!"  We both smile and laugh a little and he knows what I need is my "introvert time."  Nothing more.  Nothing less.  But critical to my well being.

So, introverts:
     Learn to recognize when you are close to being overwhelmed by others.
     Learn to ask for time alone.
     Learn how much time alone you realistically need.
     Learn how to negotiate this especially if you have small children who require A LOT of time.

And, extraverts:
     Respect  your introvert's need to have time alone.
     Learn how to not take this personally by telling yourself it is not personal.
     Help negotiate how their time alone can be managed given the realities and demands of
     your life together.
     If you feel like your introvert is taking too much time alone (i.e., you miss them) learn how to 
     respectfully ask if more time with them is possible (and introvert...be honest with yourself and
     your extravert).

Introverts and extraverts can peacefully coexist.  It just takes understanding one another, and honesty about each needs.  And, in my opinion, the most important thing to remember is that neither is better than the other.  These are just two different ways of interacting with the world and ourselves - there are pros and cons for both.

Coming Next: "Making New Year's Resolutions You Can Achieve: Guaranteed!"

The Journey - A poem by Mary Oliver

The poem below by Mary Oliver is one I hadn't seen before.  It was published today in the Writer's Almanac and sent to me.  I will not attempt to offer a description, explanation, or anything else that may fall woefully short of Ms. Oliver's poignant words.

The Journey

One day you finally knew 

what you had to do, and began, 

though the voices around you 

kept shouting 

their bad advice—

though the whole house 

began to tremble 

and you felt the old tug 

at your ankles. 

"Mend my life!" 

each voice cried. 

But you didn't stop. 

You knew what you had to do, 

though the wind pried 

with its stiff fingers 

at the very foundations, 

though their melancholy 

was terrible. 

It was already late 

enough, and a wild night, 

and the road full of fallen 

branches and stones. 

But little by little, 

as you left their voices behind, 

the stars began to burn 

through the sheets of clouds, 

and there was a new voice 

which you slowly 

recognized as your own, 

that kept you company 

as you strode deeper and deeper 

into the world 

determined to do 

the only thing you could do—

determined to save

the only life you could save.

"The Journey," by Mary Oliver, from Dreamwork. © Grove Atlantic, 1996. 

Self-Strong Lyrics

Greeting faithful readers.  It has been over a month since I've posted anything.  The month of November was simply more chaotic than I anticipated.  I believe I'm back on track to being able to post more regularly!

I have been thinking about a number of post topics including things like introverted and extraverted people, ways to remain Self Strong this holiday season, and the differences between "cat people" and "dog people."  Another one that had been rolling around in my head for quite some time are song lyrics that reflect Self Strength.

Music can be quite powerful.  Music preferences, however, are decidedly individualistic and quite personal.  What moves one person emotionally to tears might evoke anger in another because they can't stand the melody or the sound of the performer's voice.  What may be more universal, however, are the lyrics.  One of the newer songs to make it to the radio (although I think has been out for a month or more by now) is "Demons" by Imagine Dragons.  The lyrics to this song paired with the melody (and the video is quite powerful too) usually leaves me tearful.  The lyrics remind me of the transformation that began within me when I was an undergraduate student and the poignant realization that there are some not so great things that reside in me; things I have endeavored to extinguish altogether, or things that I've recognized can be tamed and lived with. 

There are other songs that seem more oriented to Self Strength specifically.  Some of these songs are joyful, whereas others are defiant and angry.  Below are the lyric to three such songs.  They are listed here because they are on my play list (which means I also like the melody) but are, by no means the only songs that inspire one to be one's self - no matter what that is, and no matter what other's may say.

"The Middle" by Jimmy Eats World

Hey, don't write yourself off yet

It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on.

Just try your best, try everything you can.

And don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away.

It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.

Everything (everything) will be just fine, everything (everything) will be alright (alright).

Hey, you know they're all the same.

You know you're doing better on your own, so don't buy in.

Live right now.

Yeah, just be yourself.

It doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else.

It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.

Everything (everything) will be just fine, everything (everything) will be alright (alright).

It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.

Everything (everything) will be just fine, everything (everything) will be alright (alright).

Hey, don't write yourself off yet.

It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on.

Just do your best, do everything you can.

And don't you worry what the bitter hearts are gonna say.

It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.

Everything (everything) will be just fine, everything (everything) will be alright (alright).

It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.

Everything (everything) will be just fine, everything (everything) will be alright (alright).

"Numb" by Linkin Park

I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertone)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertone)

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

Can't you see that you're smothering me
Holding too tightly afraid to lose control
Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertone)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertone)
And every second I waste is more than I can take

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

And I know
I may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be

"Brave" by Sara Bareilles

You can be amazing

You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug

You can be the outcast

Or be the backlash of somebody’s lack of love

Or you can start speaking up

Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way that words do

When they settle ‘neath your skin

Kept on the inside and no sunlight

Sometimes a shadow wins

But I wonder what would happen if you

Say what you wanna say

And let the words fall out

Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say

And let the words fall out

Honestly I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you

I just wanna see you

I just wanna see you

I wanna see you be brave

Everybody’s been there,

Everybody’s been stared down by the enemy

Fallen for the fear

And done some disappearing,

Bow down to the mighty

Don’t run, just stop holding your tongue

Maybe there’s a way out of the cage where you live

Maybe one of these days you can let the light in

Show me how big your brave is

Say what you wanna say

And let the words fall out

Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say

And let the words fall out

Honestly I wanna see you be brave

And since your history of silence

Won’t do you any good,

Did you think it would?

Let your words be anything but empty

Why don’t you tell them the truth?

Say what you wanna say

And let the words fall out

Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say

And let the words fall out

Honestly I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you

I just wanna see you

I just wanna see you

I wanna see you be brave

I'd love to hear in the comment the names of songs you find inspiring on your journey to Self Strength.  Please list lyrics, parts of lyrics, song titles, performer names, or a description of any other art form that captures the spirit of living authentically.  

Dance Like Nobody's Watching!

***The link that I originally included no longer works.  I've updated the post to include a working link to the video.  Enjoy!

Holy smokes!  If you haven't seen this video yet you are in for a treat!  I've watched it several times since it came across my feed on a social network yesterday.  I smile and laugh out loud every time.  This little girl seems to be having a blast expressing herself.  And, she's not following the prescribed routine...at all!  Well, maybe a little bit, but she's dressed it up with her own flavor.

At any rate, I count her among the seriously Self Strong and hope she does not lose her uniqueness and joy in expressing herself just as she is!

Hope you enjoy this video as much as I have.  And hope you can think of ways to dance like nobody's watching in your life!

(Just in case the video didn't load for you, here's the direct link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qXowYIZpYpo

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What Language Does Your True Self Speak?

The following is a quote from a NY Times blog post published on-line:

"How is one to know which aspect of a person counts as that person’s true self?" 
(here's a link to the article http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/06/05/in-search-of-the-true-self/?_r=0).

This is an interesting question.  How do you know?  How do you know when you declare something out loud or to yourself that you have expressed a part of your true, authentic self?  How do you know when you dive into a pursuit of any kind that you are on an authentic path?  

If you've been socialized in the way that most of us have been, it may be very difficult to know for certain what is truly you and what is what other's expect of you.  If that's the case then your True Self is likely buried under layers of expectations, "shoulds" and "shouldn'ts", and "what will others think?" 

What I mean by all that is from a very early age many of us were taught to keep our feelings to ourselves, especially if they might hurt someone else's feelings.  Think about it.  How many times have you seen/heard a kid do or say something that was an honest-to-goodness authentic expression of who they were, what they were feeling, or what they were thinking only to be told by an adult something like "You don't mean that" or "That's not okay.  Take that back" or "You should be ashamed of yourself."  I'm sure many of you can make a rational argument for when these comments may be appropriate; however, what I'm referring to are the times when what was said by a child simply made an adult uncomfortable.  There was nothing really wrong with what the child said or did but it caused discomfort in someone else - and that is what was deemed to be not okay.  Instead of teaching the child how to say what they were thinking or feeling in a way that is more kind (or tactful), or letting them know that perhaps that is something that is better kept to themselves (i.e., not EVERYTHING has to be said out loud for goodness sake!) the child is told that their experience is not okay.  

At this point kids do some pretty complex psychological arithmetic.

If that was what I was really feeling.  And I was told that what I was feeling is not okay.  Then, it's not okay that I was feeling that.  Which means I'm not okay.  

Yup.  Kids really do that.  Not quite that deliberately or consciously.  But kids have a knack for seriously personalizing most things.

Throw on top of that your very typical (and seemingly innocuous) admonitions like: 

          "Put a coat on, it's cold outside."
          "But I'm not cold."
          "Yes you are, put a coat on." or "I don't care, put one on anyway."

and, thus, begins the questioning and second-guessing of our authentic experiences and the beginnings of the disconnect from our True Selves.  

Lest I get annihilated by parent readers, let me say that I am a parent of two boys.  I'd love to say that I am the first in the history of parents to be a perfect one...but, alas, I am not.  

*Moment of silence.*  

I imagine I'm messing up my kids in ways I can't see right now, but one of the things I have been seriously sensitive to is what their experiences are.  We have had really interesting discussions around the dinner table about things as simple as food preferences and that we all have different ones.  That doesn't make us weird or strange...just different from one another.  I think my kids are tired of hearing it from me, but they are now pretty fluent in the idea that different does not mean anything other than different.  Not better or worse...just different.  So when my kid says "I'm not cold" as he's running around the house in shorts and no shirt during the winter and I'm wrapped up in a sweater and an afghan, I assume he is in tune with his body and knows exactly how it feels - because I've tried my best to not interfere with his interpretation of what his body is telling him.  And btw...when my boys were younger and insisted they didn't need a coat to go outside in 40 degree weather, out they went coatless only to come back inside 5 minutes later asking for their coat.  I never said anything other than - "Here it is honey." 

So...back to the original question.  How do you know when you've landed on something about yourself that is truly a reflection of your True Self rather than a creation of someone else's idea of who you should be?  In my opinion comfort and contentment meters are excellent barometers of true self expression.

My kids and their coatless adventures quickly resulted in discomfort from the cold.  Their bodies told them what they needed and so they fixed it.  They didn't need me to tell them.  This is precisely what I try to do for myself.  I'm pretty much all set with the coat thing, but when it comes to other matters like: What do I want to do with my day?  What path do I want my career to take?  Do I really want to start a blog?  I try my best to anticipate what my realistic options are and contemplate what each one might feel like.

Granted I can't base all my decisions on how I feel - there's a lot of necessary stuff that wouldn't get done if I did.  But, my feelings and preferences are absolutely an important part of the equation.  I'm still trying to figure out all of the nuances of how to spend my time each day such as: Do I sleep in or get up and exercise?  Do I grade these papers now or watch my favorite show?  What I have come to realize about myself is that I like how I feel when I'm fit so I try to maintain a regular exercise routine.  I also like to not have grading hanging over my head day after day so I try to get it done as soon as I can.  I'm not always successful at these things.  And when I'm really unsuccessful at them I'm reminded why what I'm doing isn't so great and is therefore not a good fit for me.  I feel less energized and sluggish when my body is out of shape, or I feel the constant stress that comes from having a stack of papers that have gone ungraded for days or weeks.  

Both my body and my mind know when they're uncomfortable and when they're content.  It is my job to listen.  They're both really pretty smart.  They've both got a lot to say if I just listen.  At times, though, I'm pretty sure one or both are speaking French.  I know a little bit of French but I am far from fluent.  I get bits and pieces but can miss huge chunks of the message.  So I have tried my very best to learn the language that my body and my mind are speaking.  That can take an enormous amount of time and energy.  Sometimes I really feel like I don't have it.  But when I do, I dive in and try to decipher what they are trying to tell me.  And when I really listen, and understand the language they are speaking I hear loud and clear that they are telling me precisely what I need to know in order to live a happy and contented life; a life that is authentic and that reflects my True Self.

I really do, after all, know exactly what is best for me.  I've just got to listen.

What language is your True Self speaking?  Are you already fluent, or do you need lessons?