Do You Hate People?

So.  Do you hate people?  This question is one that is often asked of introverts.  And the assumption by others, often extraverts, is that they do hate people.  Nothing could be further from the truth.

So, what we're talking about here is a set of concepts (introversion and extraversion) developed by Swiss psychiatrist, Carl Jung.  Jung suggested that many of us are aligned with one or the other, but that ideally we'd be able to live comfortably as either/or.  That is, that at times we'd need and want to express our extraversion and at times our introversion.

So what do these two things mean?  They refer to the ways in which we are oriented to the world around us or to our inner worlds.  And, they refer to the ways in which we are energized or become recharged.  Extraverts are oriented to the world around them.  They thrive when they are able to interact with people and situations around them.  Introverts on the other hand are oriented to their inner world and thrive when they are able to direct their energy to their thoughts and ideas.  Practically what this means is that introverts need time alone.  They do not do well when they are around people consistently.  They are drained mentally and physically.  The fix?  Time alone to read, think, meditate, whatever.  But the key is that they take time to be alone with their thoughts.  There are other features that characterize introverts and extraverts which you can find here.  

Introverts are often misunderstood creatures.  Since somewhere in the neighborhood of 75% of the population are extraverts and much of our daily lives revolves around interacting with others, there is often confusion on both ends of the spectrum on why being alone is preferred or even necessary.  So when introverts close their doors, leave the room, or directly ask for time alone the reaction often is something along the lines of:

     "What's wrong?  Is everything okay?"  or

     "Are you mad at me?"  or

     "Why don't you like people?  Do you hate them?"

Since extraverts can't fathom the appeal of time alone (because time alone with their thoughts and feelings is as equally draining as time around people is to an introvert), they often think something is wrong.  And because introverts might not understand what's going on, they often think something is wrong too.  Thus, introverts can be left feeling confused, like there must be something wrong, and wonder if they really do hate people.  So in the spirit of clearing things up, let me provide the answers to all of those questions above:

     "Nothing is wrong.  I'm fine.  I just need some time alone."  and

     "No I'm not mad at you.  I just need some time alone."  and

     "I do like people.  I just need some time alone."

How do I know so much about this?  Well, I've studied it, I teach it...and...I'm an introvert.  It took me some time to fully understand that what I was experiencing was introversion, and that it is okay.  I'm okay.  Prior to that, I pretty consistently thought there was something wrong with me because I really didn't want to be around people as much as my friends seemed to.  Somewhere in my late twenties/early thirties I more fully understood what being an introvert meant and that it is just different than being an extravert.  Not worse or better than being an extravert.  Just different.

I work with people in my private practice who think about this like I used to.  They think there is something wrong with them and are relieved when they are told that what they need (i.e., time by themselves) is normal.  The hard part can be convincing others in their life that it is normal and that time alone is not a rejection of the other person, nor is it an indication that something is wrong.  Being alone in this way is not about kicking people out of our lives.  It is simply about recharging our batteries so we have the energy to be the quirky person you know and love.

Although my husband says he believes he's become more of an introvert over the years (yes it is possible to "switch sides" and in fact Jung suggested being able to engage fully with one's external and internal worlds is ideal) it took us some time to work out how I expressed my introvert needs, and how he understood them.  We had our fair share of arguments that went something like:

     Me: <heading to a room where I could be alone>

     My husband: "Is something wrong?  Are you okay?"

     Me: "I'm fine."

     My husband: "Are you sure?"

     Me: <starting to feel angry at being asked again> "Yes, I'm sure."

Now, when this conversation happens, I can say something like: "Something's about to be wrong if you keep asking me!"  We both smile and laugh a little and he knows what I need is my "introvert time."  Nothing more.  Nothing less.  But critical to my well being.

So, introverts:
     Learn to recognize when you are close to being overwhelmed by others.
     Learn to ask for time alone.
     Learn how much time alone you realistically need.
     Learn how to negotiate this especially if you have small children who require A LOT of time.

And, extraverts:
     Respect  your introvert's need to have time alone.
     Learn how to not take this personally by telling yourself it is not personal.
     Help negotiate how their time alone can be managed given the realities and demands of
     your life together.
     If you feel like your introvert is taking too much time alone (i.e., you miss them) learn how to 
     respectfully ask if more time with them is possible (and introvert...be honest with yourself and
     your extravert).

Introverts and extraverts can peacefully coexist.  It just takes understanding one another, and honesty about each needs.  And, in my opinion, the most important thing to remember is that neither is better than the other.  These are just two different ways of interacting with the world and ourselves - there are pros and cons for both.

Coming Next: "Making New Year's Resolutions You Can Achieve: Guaranteed!"

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